counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
