put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
