Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
