The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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