The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
