I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
