The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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