Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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