So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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