I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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