Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
