Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's like God shit irony all over that family
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
