Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
