Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
