While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
