At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
