There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
...so i touched it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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