the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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