I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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