I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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