we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
