Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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