The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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