i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
