today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
