I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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