the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
