Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Less talking, more tequila
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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