this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
