He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
