The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
