doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
