How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
