are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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