he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
