i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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