Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
