Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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