you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
