so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
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Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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