Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
