The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
