I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
