I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
