so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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