The maid of honor just puked.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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