Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You work out of a Hotel?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
