Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
