just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
