Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
