when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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