tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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