my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
