Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
