You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
organizing the empties. That sober.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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