it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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